Why do we self-sabotage? Why is it that we are our own worst enemy. For myself when I look at the things that get in the way of my life and doing what I want, it’s my own insecurities. My doubt. My fear that it won’t be good enough. If I can’t do it perfect why do it? Often times, when I have time to really think about a decision I’m going to make that is when I start the over-analyzing process. Weighing in all these imaginary ‘what ifs?’- typically the negative ones. I don’t tend to flip the coin and see what could be. Sometimes, I do that because of my fear that if I get too excited for something and it falls through. I believe the disappointment will crush me. The fear of putting myself out there just to be rejected will stifle me from pursuing things I want in a career.
When I went into treatment for my eating disorder that was one of the things I really wanted to work on. There is so many project in my head, but due to fear of not good enough, or being judged I don’t let them manifest out.
In other ways I find myself self-sabotaging by staying in a job I hate and feel completely disrespected at. I also stay in a job that isn’t even a career job rather a survival job. A lot of my personal self-sabotaging comes from a deserving factor. I feel like I don’t deserve things, it’s hard for me to accept certain things from people without a motive or I catch myself doing things to prove to someone I don’t deserve there kindness. In my relationship now, I found someone I connected to in all these levels I always wanted, but I would do stupid things in the beginning of our relationship because I didn’t want to get attached then feel abandoned. It was actually because of this person that I realized I had to go to treatment. I didn’t want to hurt someone who saw me for me. This was a time would I decided I couldn’t keep self-sabotaging. I wanted to finally allow myself to be happy. It is the self-sabotaging that gets in the way of allowing me to truly be happy.
I believe everyone deserves to be happy and pursue whatever avenue they want to get them there. However, usually when it comes to myself – I would keep thinking if I pretended I was happy it would eventually happen. In one of my only psychology classes I took in my undergrad, the thing that stood out to me is that if you acted happy it showed that it helped with lifting people’s moods. Therefore, if I put on this fake smile and pretending everything was okay, it meant it was okay, Right? Wrong, so wrong, because it isn’t getting to the root of where all the sadness is coming from. I think it is also what goes on behind closed doors, so even though I had this happy positive demeanor about me to the outside world, at home I was sad, crying myself to sleep and doing very destructive behaviors, liking drinking or struggling with bulimia.
Another way I was self-sabotaging and hurting myself more is I never let anyone in. I never allowed anyone to see the hurt. The tears, the scars I covered up. By doing this I never allowed for connections to happen. My fear of having someone abandon me or leave me, made it so I kept everyone at arms distance. I remember sometimes, I would get so frustrated with my friends because I would feel like how did they not know I was screaming for help and I would wonder why I felt so alone or why I felt like I didn’t really have any friends. The summer before I went into treatment, two of my closest friends sat me down and had a mini intervention with me. I preceded to tell them if they wanted to have what I called at the time “real talk” with me, more shots needed to be had. So even though from the inside I felt like no one saw, it was more my friends saw but didn’t know how to approach the situation. Or how to talk about it without me brushing them off or changing the subject, or acting like I was a happy party girl who didn’t have any feelings.
After leaving my treatment center, I realized that by putting myself is this protective box with my walls high up, I was harming myself more. Letting down my walls, has allowed me to see that I was finally able to have the connection I wanted. I was able to have someone see me for me. I was able to get closer to my family, because I allowed myself to be me, and not what I believed they wanted me to be. I am able to truly pursue things in life that will give me the life I want to live. Not that I’m perfect and great at it yet, but working to catch myself when I start doubting or not believing myself, and just saying and so what? I fail or I make it not matter what happens I’ll be okay and I’ll get through it.