On a day like April Fools, it makes me thing of how I played a fool for so long. Running from myself, from all the hurt I wanted to pretend didn’t exist. However, by keeping everyone at arms length and not allowing myself to feel, I began to create a life where I was a constant fool, missing out, running away, and not truly living. I suppressed all that was underneath, hoping that if I pretending I was okay it would eventually happen. Or I was so concentrated on the next thing that would bring me happiness that I didn’t fully live in a moment.
I remember times looking back that I was so caught in my eating disorder that I missed out on all the beauty that was around me. I had a fear of bread for a long time, believing 100% it was evil and would make me fat. When I was in Morocco, there was so much beauty, hospitality and really it was such a rich culture. I was doing an internship, where I got to lived with a home-stay family and really immerse myself in the culture. I had really been struggling with my eating disorder before I went there, but I thought going there I could put it aside. However, as much as I wanted to I couldn’t do it. All meals were communal, they would serve dinner on a tagine. It was one big plate that we all ate off of. They didn’t really use utensils, instead they used their bread called khobz to scoop up the food. I got so stuck in my head about how fat I was going to get that I wouldn’t allow myself to fully enjoy the cuisine Morocco had to offer. I wouldn’t eat it, or I would end up throwing it all up. I would be out and then I would get so stuck in my head about the food, I couldn’t give my attention to anything else. It is one time that really stands out to me that I regret, or get upset with myself. How could I be in such a beautiful country like Morocco, where I was there to help kids by teaching them English, but I was so consumed with my eating disorder.
There is other times, in my life where I look back and I see where I let my eating disorder win time and time again. If I was dating someone and they asked me questions about my eating disorder I would get so defensive and then shut them out. I didn’t want anything to come in between me and my eating disorder for fear of what my life would be like without it.
I continued to play a fool in some many ways by gambling my safety. Drinking myself until I blacked out, not eating for days, passing out while I tried cooking, I was so lost, and didn’t care what happened to me. I wanted so desperately to feel something though, that living carelessly at least gave me some rush. Even though I didn’t like what was happening and wanted to break the cycle, it kept going. I hated that I was in, which made the cycle keep me as the fool as I wasn’t able to break it.
Realizing that getting help for my eating disorder was the main thing I needed to do if I didn’t want to be this fool anymore, if I truly wanted to break the cycle. I remember thinking I was such a fool that I was going to ask my parents for help because I wanted to go to treatment. I felt like a failure, I was embarrassed, ashamed, how could I have to ask my parents for help, how could I fuck up so bad that I couldn’t fix this myself. I learned to realize that asking for help was the bravest thing I could have done. Asking for help is admitting that I couldn’t do this all by myself, it is acknowledging where my strength and weakness were. And allowed for myself to truly grow.
The thing with feeling like a fool for all these moments I didn’t really live, The best thing about life though, is we have more control over our thoughts, are actions then we can ourselves credit for. I can change now. I have right now. I can and decided that I want to fully embrace all that life has to offer. I can also forgive myself and look back at everything as a learning lesson.