Who Played the Fool


On a day like April Fools, it makes me thing of how I played a fool for so long. Running from myself, from all the hurt I wanted to pretend didn’t exist. However, by keeping everyone at arms length and not allowing myself to feel, I began to create a life where I was a constant fool, missing out, running away, and not truly living. I suppressed all that was underneath, hoping that if I pretending I was okay it would eventually happen. Or I was so concentrated on the next thing that would bring me happiness that I didn’t fully live in a moment.


I remember times looking back that I was so caught in my eating disorder that I missed out on all the beauty that was around me. I had a fear of bread for a long time, believing 100% it was evil and would make me fat. When I was in Morocco, there was so much beauty, hospitality and really it was such a rich culture. I was doing an internship, where I got to lived with a home-stay family and really immerse myself in the culture. I had really been struggling with my eating disorder before I went there, but I thought going there I could put it aside. However, as much as I wanted to I couldn’t do it. All meals were communal, they would serve dinner on a tagine. It was one big plate that we all ate off of. They didn’t really use utensils, instead they used their bread called khobz to scoop up the food.  I got so stuck in my head about how fat I was going to get that I wouldn’t allow myself to fully enjoy the cuisine Morocco had to offer. I wouldn’t eat it, or I would end up throwing it all up. I would be out and then I would get so stuck in my head about the food, I couldn’t give my attention to anything else. It is one time that really stands out to me that I regret, or get upset with myself. How could I be in such a beautiful country like Morocco, where I was there to help kids by teaching them English, but I was so consumed with my eating disorder.


There is other times, in my life where I look back and I see where I let my eating disorder win time and time again. If I was dating someone and they asked me questions about my eating disorder I would get so defensive and then shut them out. I didn’t want anything to come in between me and my eating disorder for fear of what my life would be like without it.


I continued to play a fool in some many ways by gambling my safety. Drinking myself until I blacked out, not eating for days, passing out while I tried cooking, I was so lost, and didn’t care what happened to me. I wanted so desperately to feel something though, that living carelessly at least gave me some rush. Even though I didn’t like what was happening and wanted to break the cycle, it kept going. I hated that I was in, which made the cycle keep me as the fool as I wasn’t able to break it.


Realizing that getting help for my eating disorder was the main thing I needed to do if I didn’t want to be this fool anymore, if I truly wanted to break the cycle. I remember thinking I was such a fool that I was going to ask my parents for help because I wanted to go to treatment. I felt like a failure, I was embarrassed, ashamed, how could I have to ask my parents for help, how could I fuck up so bad that I couldn’t fix this myself. I learned to realize that asking for help was the bravest thing I could have done. Asking for help is admitting that I couldn’t do this all by myself, it is acknowledging where my strength and weakness were. And allowed for myself to truly grow.


The thing with feeling like a fool for all these moments I didn’t really live, The best thing about life though, is we have more control over our thoughts, are actions then we can ourselves credit for. I can change now. I have right now. I can and decided that I want to fully embrace all that life has to offer. I can also forgive myself and look back at everything as a learning lesson.

Fully allowing myself to live in a moment, know that yes moments will come to an end, but there is more to come. So therefore, I should fully enjoy it. My eating disorder paralyzed me in some many ways, but above all it kept me from really getting to what was going on deep inside. It kept me a fool.
I lived in this fear of truly enjoying anything because what if it got taken away from me. Or with food if I enjoy eating what would happen to me. I became a fool as I worried if I enjoyed things that meant something could be taken away from me. However, I can say now being in a relationship were I truly enjoy my girlfriend. I enjoy our inside jokes, our conversations, our random adventures. Since I am allowing myself to really enjoy them, I am able to fall more in love, to truly be present with her. I am able to not be a fool and miss out on an opportunity to really connect to someone I care about. When I’m with my dog, I can truly appreciate her for all that she is. For her sweet love when I get home and not for the fear of the day I will no longer have her in my life.
The best thing in life, is we don’t have to continue to play the fool. We have now, to change and embrace all that life has to offer.


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